I was listening to Dr. Drew tonight on my way home from a long dinner with Luke. Per usual a question was asked about an addiction, of which Drew is a medical expert, and therefore his response & diagnostic of the specific was both fascinating and enriching on multiple levels.

One thing grabbed me that he said:

Oftentimes, our compulsory behaviors are used to regulate emotions.

A bunch of thoughts are swirling through my head (most of which deal with my own compulsions), and I won't even begin to distill them tonight or share them here. But that phrase immediately served as a mirror into the intersection of emotion, thought & practice that runs so deeply within me and all too often is utterly transparent to my everyday living & breathing & pursuing.

I drove into kansas city this evening with my friend hannah to attend Jacob's Well Church. It was Tim Keel's last sermon to preach as the pastor of JW, a church he both planted and has pastored for 10+ years.

To say that the evening was special would be an understatement. Tim is one of the most gifted teachers I have ever sat under, and his heart both for the Church worldwide, as well as his own particular congregation, is both deep and large. He is a thoughtful pursuer of truth and has a way of inviting & evoking his listeners to join him in that adventure. Tonight was nothing less than a pastor giving himself one last time to his flock... giving his knowledge, giving his passion & giving his love.

This evening both on my drive to and during my time with Jacob's Well, I was reminded of words of Frederick Buechner's Now & Then, a book I am currently reading. In speaking of James Muilenburg, Old Testament professor at Union Seminary in NYC, Buechner writes:

Though I was no longer at Union when he gave his final lecture there, I am told that a number of students from the Jewish seminary across the street attended it and, before entering the great room, left their shoes in the corridor outside to indicate that the ground on which they stood with him was holy ground.

Tim, thank you for your years in Kansas City & Jacob's Well, serving, loving & evoking. In so many respects your influence has reached beyond the walls of your church to influence the thought and practice of many in our city & world. May you and your family be blessed as you enter the next season of faithfulness & discipleship to Jesus.

I started thinking through a blog post in the shower yesterday morning. It was a furthering of my statement on dissonance in Tuesday’s blog.

As I wrote it out, I wasn't satisfied with how it was coming out. I agreed with what I was writing, but I felt like my tone wasn't love.
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Dissonance is something I am deeply familiar with; it has been a feeling I've had for many years of my life, particularly in the areas of spirituality and Christianity. For a long time, I felt like I was being told I had to fit into a box, which is tragic because so much of what Jesus spoke and the impact of his actions & words was freedom. Time and time again, the stories say that people left Jesus as new people. They were healed. They were free. They were refreshed or reinvigorated. They were inspired. They were human again.

Unfortunately, most of my response to the box of religion has been rebellion, just throwing the whole thing off. Rebellion is easy. Though I still revert to my insurgent ways, more and more I desire to find ways to be faithful to the triune God, to Scripture, to historical orthodox Christianity, somehow living in the precarious balance of not submitting to the rules, regulations & expectations of a sub-culture while also not getting pissed about its propensity to tack on a bunch of extra requirements. It's a difficult road to walk.

For awhile, I've said that I want to be a faithful follower of Jesus, but I'm just trying to figure out how to do that without having to be a Christian.
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I read the Eugene Peterson article in Image quarterly. The interview is led by the poet Luci Shaw, and it is nothing short of beautiful. What I found especially refreshing about Eugene's words was his abundance of grace in the midst of critique. He certainly had some strong and pointed things to say, but the apparent humility in his words was striking and attractive. It encouraged me that there is a third way to living discipleship. Faithful to Jesus. Outside of the sub-culture.
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One of the topics that I intended to touch on in my blog about dissonance was the almost singular focus on doctrine and theology within evangelical Christianity, and at the same time our almost absolute ignoring of mystery. My question was whether a focus on the revelation of God's character (doctrine and theology) was actually indicative of a relationship with GOD, who, as it is so beautiful stated, is the one who is conceived as inconceivable.

This isn't to disregard doctrine, theology or revelation, but is to bring balance and a reminder that as much as we know of God, there is a far greater amount that we do not. And therefore we live in the humility that our pursuits are always lacking, our doctrine ever incomplete, and our theology always full of holes.
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A couple weeks ago, a member of my house church, a painter, told me that though she was committed to Jesus and had been for much of her life, she never felt comfortable in the church. For her there was always a tension between being an artist & what she was told it was to be a follower of Jesus. I later asked her what the church needed to do make itself safe for artists and she simply replied, "embrace mystery."

I intended to rant and rave, and probably bitch a little in my blog about the lack of mystery in the church, but I doubt that would be very useful. Ironically, Eugene Peterson spoke beautifully of it in his interview. Beautifully and graciously. May his wise words guide us and maybe expand our imaginations a little bit:

Image: Where does this desire always to analyze and critique come from? This desire to figure out how things work and make them work better? Is abstraction a normal part of the human experience?

EP: We all do it. The way we do it is sin. Sin is an abstraction. Sin is a fragmentation. The old temptation of the garden, to be like the gods, is rooted in knowing good and evil. We want to know, and we can't. Humility is a prerequisite for the accurate use of language. We live in a world made by God, but we refuse to live in mystery. We're always trying to figure it out. Now mystery doesn't mean obscurity. It doesn't mean ignorance. Mystery means living in a trusting presence to what we cannot control or explain. All our big words - redemption, salvation, grace - when Christians try to pin that all down so that they can create a police state in the church and get rid of all the
evil, the bad thinking and bad behavior, we destroy the church. If you ask any pastor who knows his congregation, you'll hear that congregations are a mess. God does not seem to scruple over who he's going to bring in for us to rub shoulders with. Unless we're ready to live in mystery, we're not ready to live in what we're given by the grace of God.

new running shoes from garry gribble's. they always treat me right. so far the 1/2 training is going fine. ran 3.5 up some major hills in the west bottoms & the westside. i've noticed that my ankle stops throbbing after a 0.5 mile or so. i have yet to decide if that's a good thing.

hoping that the new kicks provide a bit more cushion & thus a bit more comfort.
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after garry gribble's, i went to the lawrence library to pick up a couple books. i saw my favorite librarian (after 2 visits), but i'd already figured out the system & didnt really need her help. but her bookish enthusiasm still made me smile from afar!

i'm realizing that i'm not certain how i feel about this whole library idea. on one hand, it's amazing... you get to borrow books, for free, to read. upon finishing, you promptly return it & pick up another one or two (apparently, my limit is 50... how can someone check out FIFTY items from the library? i'd lose stuff... or start all at the same time. either way, not a good idea for me). it's sharing at its finest!

but my tension is that i love books. and the way i read books is by underlining stuff & scribling down my thoughts in the margins. in that way i really engage. i also have a tendency of remembering certain quotes & being able to visualize both where on the page that quote came from as well as the general area of the book. when i remember those quotes, i always want to go back to the book so that i can re-read it again or share it with someone else.

you can't underline library books. you can't write in the margins of the library books. and when i remember the quotes, the book isn't on my shelf... it's in the library.

does it defeat the purpose, if you just own the library?
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out of a conversation with my friend Sarah on Sunday evening about dissonance & its role in both of our lives, she recommended a book by Frederick Buechner (who im pretty sure is my favorite author) & a couple by John Steinbeck. tonight, I picked up "Now & Then" by Buechner and "Travels with Charlie: in search of america" by Steinbeck.

i'm really excited to begin each. already thumbing through them i know im going to be tempted to underline/note/put on my bookshelf for later quoting. crap.
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i also am excited to read the Summer 2009 edition of the quarterly, "Image: Art * Faith * Mystery." My painter-friend, Rachel, read an interview with Eugene Peterson, theologian, scholar & author of the Message Bible translation, and she thought i would enjoy it.

the one part that she shared with me, that makes me want to read the article this very second, is his thoughts on the role that the poet has in the life of the church: that the poet reminds us that language is dynamic & ever changing, and therefore they call us to embrace the conversational part of our faith... the working out of our beliefs through story, metaphor & ideas.

i'll let you know what i think once it's read...

I am discovering the importance of proximity in a couple areas of my life, particularly relationally. Friendship is chiefly built on proximity, especially in the early stages of shared experience. Further, economically embracing proximity makes sense; even the simple act of cutting down on our dependency of combustible engine transportation by embracing locality would reap great rewards economically as well as environmentally. I could go on.

Lawrence has taught me a lot about proximity. My need to embrace it. How I often ignore it. Some of my closest friends live blocks from me. Across the street is my local grocery store which I walk to multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day (depending on my forgetfulness). Down the street is a hardware store (which sucks at copying keys, but we can't have it all!). A couple steps closer is the local video store, appropriately called "Family Video" because, after all, we are a family!

Friends. Food. Supplies. Entertainment. All a short walk away.

Sunday night, I discovered a new player on the block: Red Box!! The only thing that beats proximity is... proximity AND convenience AND cheap. Who wants to walk all the way down the street to rent a movie for $2.50 when I can walk across the street for a $1 movie/night.

Family Video. Im sorry. Im cheating on you.
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My roommate, Paul, went on a CostCo run Sunday and got a box of the high-efficiency florescent bulbs for our apartment. Monday, when I came home from work, I discovered that the entire place had been upgraded. We feel proud to be less-consumptive, proud to be earth-friendly and proud to be Americans.

The only downfall is that it takes a couple minutes for our bathroom bulb to heat up and beforehand it casts this really odd low-lit yellow light. In the intermediary, I feel like I'm living the dilapidated house from Fight Club.
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KC 1/2 Marathon Training Update: yesterday evening I ran the necessary 3.5 miles to keep up with the training regimen. No stopping. Ankle was fine. Definitely realized that I need new running shoes.
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If you're in KC, you need to check out the Westside Local. It's brand-new, opening 4 weeks ago. The executive chef came from Free State Brewery in Lawrence. One of the best lunches I've had in KC. In one of my favorite areas in KC, the Westside (shocking, I know). Seriously, it's legit.

Surely hand soap is not of high enough strength to clean my coffee mug, but i’m needing some delicious Tazo Zen tea. It’s either that or Lysol spray and I’m certain that Lysol isn’t a good idea…

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I’ve been realizing that it’s time for me to get a new bike. A road bike. Up until now I’ve been riding my parents’ old mountain bike. It is nice, but about 10 years old… and eggplant colored (despite my K-State pride, 'purple' doesn’t quite sound manly enough when describing my bike).
One of the things I love about Lawrence is that it is completely bike-friendly. I’d love to embrace our biking culture when heading downtown or running errands. It seems like most of my friends are bikers… between Critical Mass fanatics, triathlon competitors & the Saturday am riders, I think I am definitely missing out. Besides, I saw the Tour de Lawrence Sprints last month. Nothing short of badass.


(I should probably mention that for years my mother, who yearly special orders the Tour de France on cable, has been saying: Graham, I think you’d really like road biking; you should try it out.

But ma, spandex just ain’t my schtick.

Well, maybe it’s becoming so!)


In the next couple of weeks or months, I want to get a new bike. Or maybe a new-used bike. I don’t really know what I want or what fits my lifestyle. Originally I thought a hybrid would be awesome (that idea was shot down twice last night by two legit bikers, so that’s probably out). I’ve always loved the idea of a fixie, but again, I think that’s just the badass appeal. Paul has a single-gear (like a fixie but with brakes) and we discussed the pros & cons, as well as what he would get next.


So, I need some help. You who ride… what do you ride and why? What do you suggest?


And, if your suggestions could help me be more like this guy, that would be awesome!

kc 1/2

a year ago mid-october, i stood at the plaza drinking a delicious latte watching droves of people participate in the Kansas City marathon & half-marathon. in particular i was there to cheer on a couple friends who were running the 1/2.

in an attempt to downplay our feelings of worthlessness that we were drinking lattes & complaining about the cold while people 10' away we're running 13+ miles, my friend (and now roommate), Paul and i started discussing running this year's half-marathon.

of course, we weren't interested in merely running 13.1 miles; we wanted to run it while dressed up as superheros. something about the image of batman or superman running with their cape flapping behind them still brings a huge smile to my face.

as with all things, the time has come for us to make our dream a reality. the race is 9 weeks away from yesterday. honestly, i'm not certain i'm up for it. i could blame my left ankle which i sprained in mid-June and took me out of summer ultimate frisbee. i could say that, as such, i haven't run most of the summer & couldn't even finish a 3.5 mile run yesterday.

but really, i think im afraid of committing, declaring my intention & then not actually do it. i have a tendency of doing that: not committing to something unless im certain i'll go through with it. not participating unless im certain that i'll win or perform well.

yeah, it's lame. i'm working on it.

so, for now, i'll say this...

i'm strongly considering running the kc half-marathon in october.

re:blog

i came to the decision today that's time to start blogging.

again.


i stopped for awhile. somehow my busy life & the internal pressure of writing witty yet profound statements took all the fun out of it.

a friend recently spoke over my life saying: "the expectations are only as heavy as you allow them to be." another friend's dissertation examined whether or not we experience the metaphors we use. He specifically looked at the interaction between describing a "weightiness" of responsibility & actually experiencing that weight (he found a correlation). birds were made to fly & yet too often we put them in cages. i think it's the same for humans.

let the birds fly free.

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