tonight, after the season premier of the Office (genius, per usual) and the pilot of Community (ehhh, it was fine), i walked down to DQ for a delicious butterscotch-dipped cone. i finished it on my front stoop. about halfway through, one of my neighbors came outside for a smoke break. for about 5 minutes we both took our breaks; he to smoke and me to consume ice cream (though there are some strong cultural assumptions, i honestly can't say which is more detrimental to the human body... or frankly, which is more uplifting). we both watched cars drive down Mass St. i thought through my day and realized how tired i was. i thought about how i wish i was in lawrence more and that i need to sit on my front stoop more often (i am currently, as i type this a bit later in the evening). i thought about how i've lived 200 ft from a Dairy Queen for 2+ years and i've only walked down a handful of times.

it reminded me of when i worked at a coffeeshop in the suburbs of kansas city. i was always jealous of my co-workers who got a break from serving lattes to soccer moms in giant SUVs to smoke a cigarette. as a joke, my friend got me a fake cigarette that even fumed fake smoke when you blew into it (yes the opposite of actually smoking, but hilarious regardless). at least once a week i would take a "smoke break" with them... just to talk, get out from behind the espresso machine, connect on a deeper level.

honestly, this is an advantage that smokers have, at least if they take advantage of the opportunity. built into their day is a space to take a step back and reconnect. to think and ponder. to evaluate and reassess. or maybe at the very least, to just be still.

i don't do that (and sadly, i dont know very many smokers who have achieved the zen state that my previous paragraph might suggest). rarely do i take breaks at work. last spring i was in the habit of taking my federally protected 15 minute breaks once or twice a day. i normally journaled or walked around my building listening to my iPod. but somehow i got out of the habit. there is something too easy about doing rather than being.

doing suggests importance or worth; by acting we shape who we are & prove ourselves to the world around us.

being just means that i am; the weight that i exert is silent, merely my presence. there is no proving, no important acts, no shows which somehow prove or bring validity to who i am. being just is.


i'm not certain that taking up the practice of smoking will necessary bring me to the peace & stillness i desire. in fact, it will probably do the opposite by creating opportunities for angst as my body craves nicotine. but i think that taking up the practice of small breaks throughout my day might bring me a step or two in the right direction. and probably more DQ on my front stoop.